Flowers, Winter Flowers

daffodils beside the bed, lilies
greet me when I get home, one bud
realized
bursting

                                            itself

with its bawdy
fragrance of old bedrooms
lovers
hot springs we travelled
to, early
after the parties
and the blow
    in no mood

the flowers don’t sugarcoat, they speak a commiserative truth
the foot of snow
its quiet-truth self-tells


                [there has never been a flower like me]

dearests! It's been such a long time, I know. Pardon me, as usual, I've been very busy busy. Such is the kind of person I am. So much has happened in the last month. I decided to keep the puppy dog Gus, for one thing. It was a difficult decision, but I don't think I'll ever be more ready. A new friend that I met up here in Fairbanks has a dog herself and is also a world traveller. Speaking with her about how to have a dog and globe trot, I became convinced that all I have to do is occassionally drop the dog off at my mom's house, or a close friend's place. I haven't yet enlisted any friends yet, and I haven't told my mom about this plan, but I think it'll work out great. Gus travels well in the car, anyway. He spent most of his young life up til this point riding in the trailer every day to go to Alaska land to be stashed in the puppy petting pen to be harrassed by young children every day. At first I thought this whole puppy petting pen thing was exploitative, but it seems that it has had a positive effect on Gus. Not only is he just fine with travelling in a car (he mostly sleeps in our car rides just as I did as a young pup) but he is really good with people of all sizes and shapes, and really doesn't mind being handled. We go on regular adventures together, mostly down to the great city of fairbanks to run errands and to the bar to meet friends and to trails and roads near friends' places. He seems to have taken me as his second momma dog and he follows me around pretty well off the leash. He only occassionally has bolted because he heard an oncoming train and to run back and see his brothers who'd been left behind in the puppy petting pen. He mostly comes when he's called, too. He's doing sit and down, but sometimes get distracted and I admit, I'm not the best at enforcing a regular training routine. I prefer to take him with me places and expose him to interesting new experiences, like swimming through mucky ponds and getting his feet wet in rivers and being around many people and other dogs. We're still working on house training, too. Its funny how much like children they are. You use the ignore them tactic when they whine, and my friend even taught me that you can use shame to get them to do something you want . It seems to work even though I despise these same tactics in human interaction. Perhaps its better than smacking the dog, which is actually something that has crossed my mind. He's a very smart and loving little boy. I am going to have to work on my own impatience, though.

So they say this whole dog thing will change your life, right? Well, folks since I think it not wise to move back to san francisco with a little dog, I've decided to stay here in Fairbanks for the winter. Here I go declaring some big decision that I still have misgivings about, but I've given this one a lot of thought, and I think I'm up for the challenge. Bring on the slew of 40 below dark days of winter! At least its not too windy up here. Well, its not only because of the dog, although I think this is a great place for him to spend these formative first months, but because I've actually found a wonderful community of smart, innovative, driven, politically-minded young folks who I call my friends now! I didn't expect this up here at all. Believe me, Fairbanks as a city kind of sucks and there are a lot of folks that I can't really stand in terms of their views or lack of views on the world, but hey, what does it matter when you have warm, caring community to go hang out at the local bar with, or go on a hike with, or go fishing, or cut wood or collect berries, or hunt moose with? I think that I've come here to learn about living a simpler life- to learn what happens when there isn't any easily accesible power supply, or running water or Fred Meyers perhaps. Man, I tell you, now that i don't have a shower at this new place we've moved into, taking a shower has become an incredibly religious experience. I go into the laundry mat, or the local Uni dorms looking like a dirty wet grumpy little dog and probably grumbling because of how stinky I am, sticky I am, and itchy I am, and I come out feeling like I've been reborn. The clouds part and when that cool air hits my skin and runs through my wet hair, I am Alive again!!

So, yeah, have I gone crazy or is there a logical explanation for wanting to subject myself to some of the coldest conditions the planet has to offer? Well, I've learned that I need a community of like-minded, creative, innovative, compasssionate, affectionate folks and I look around me and I see folks that fit that criteria. I look around and I see folks that will be great teachers. A friend of mine is going to start a food not bombs up here (free food served up from local stores and restaurants who donate, or dumpster-dived) to get the food to the people and create a space for radical organizing and idea making and I hear talk of a natural healing collective where people get together to do skill shares on techniques and methods. I'm thinking of taking some classes in massage, something I've wanted to do for a long time.

So it seems, I've found my place, unexpectedly in the world. I thought I would be drawn back by the city, but I feel so at home here. I will miss all of you San Francisco folk and portland people and my peeps in Colorado. I carry all of you with me in my heart. Come visit! Definitely keep in touch. Love to my people! I feel that I'm fulfilling a dream and it is giving me great strength. I wish the same blessing for all of you.

A poema

"Don't be afraid to encounter loneliness. It is a rare opportunity to make friends with oneself." Tibetan proverb


a strange breeze
black skies
its not often that it rains here
but she has ventured into an odd wet summer
raven caws and flies up
from below to above
Huge wingspan dark creature
reminds of a mystic
consciousness,
but she is earthed today.
the belly feels lightened
akwardly empty
after an ancient meal
perhaps her ancestors ate.
This is my time, she sees.
The weather is in my favor.
It is a good day to work
while its cool and quiet
but too restless, and the body desires escape
What does the raven warn?
She senses change, realizes it
for the first time in
days.
Stationed here, repetition brings
reluctance
and the walls of the mind
close in with loneliness.
Abrupt loneliness, stark & unexpected.
Dreaming of solitude, she'd forgotten
loneliness.
I shall go and explore- she urges herself.
What lies beyond?

Lessons from Dog land.

Here I am in Dog land and I can't leave! I'm..... committed! And feeling very responsible. I have been left pondering today why it is that I like to find jobs that don't pay well and keep me overworked. What is it about me that just really goes for that kind of shit? Well, my boss asked me the same question the other night and I told him it was because I really want to be doing work that's meaningful to me. The truth is that I often don't think through things properly either. I assume things will be easier and more instantly gratifying than they end up being. I assumed it was going to be all fun and games playing with dogs. I assumed I'd just get so much writing done with all the free time on my hands. I assumed i would be blissfully happy as soon as I got to Alaska. but you know what they say about assumptions.

At the end of a long day of rushing around down into fairbanks for training for my new position as puppy- petting- zoo- for- tourists- while- wearing- "period" costume extraordinaire, running into the packed-full fred meyers in town the friday before memorial day weekend (argh, good thing I'm not shy about singing to myself in public), picking up the poopie and feeding and watering, I was feeling pretty strung out and I have a pimple where they say you your third eye is, right between the temples. Not a good sign. A couple of times today, I felt like asking one of my co-workers (who I think is definitely friend material) and my boss for a hug. I didn't. I don't know that we're that kind of friends yet, and everybody seems too busy for hugs anyway. Its hitting me that i haven't had a hug in over a week, since I said goodbye to my friend in Haines. Woe is me!

I roll into the driveway in the handler truck and the pups come racing up making quite a ruckus and they charge my door when I open it. And I realize, these dogs are so very happy to see me. There's Hooch the whore for affection and little Kitty Cat (the dog) who until yesterday would not come near me, and senile old sasha who looks like she might eat the puppies, and fatty panda and the rest of these old retired dogs that get the run of the place who were just dying to lick my face and jump up and give me dog hugs and scratch the crap out of me. Feeling alittle better due to this reception, I was inspired to make the rounds to all the dogs after putting down the groceries to give everybody a little affection. Yes, they are insane after being chained up all day, and not getting out enough to run these days, and they claw me up and knock me down with all their doggie enthusiasm, and they've probably been rolling in that poop of theirs, but it still felt good to give these guys a pat, and get a few fairly gentle dog hugs. I also cuddled the tiny puppy babies, who I love. There's one that I have already named, which is a bad sign (Gus "el chiguin (the kid in Nicaraguan Spanish)"). I think I want to keep it (and they said I could take a dog in payment). I feel much better now.

I love dogs cause they can be really cuddly, for one, but more because they are so fiercely loyal and trusting. They just want to make you happy and love you and work for you. I think there's a lesson to be learned there. If more humans could be like that, we'd probably be a lot better off. I think we often feel entitled to get something out of our experiences. Out of the places we go and out of the work we do, out of the people around us. How about the concept of being in service to the world we live in instead; to the people we call our community, the earth, our families? Anyways, you give a little, and its bound to bounce back at you with open arms eventually, even if those arms are a little hairy and stinky and sharp clawed. Thanks pups. I'll remember that.

its a ruff life

so friends, I'm out in dog land now and I tell you it ain't easy being a dog handler. I definitely have new respect for these folks who call these 83 dogs their own. I pulled up the muddy driveway thinking that I didn't know if my car could handle it and at the top of the hill there they were: 83 pups sitting on their houses barking at this newcomer. Its hard to describe the setup here; basically, the human house sits looking over the dog yard where each pup has his or her house and they're each tied to a chain that's attached to a post which sticks in the ground next to the puphouse. There are a few dogs who live in pens, too. those that are in heat (biologically ready for breedin') and a few of the smallest pups who they don't want to intermingle with the big dogs. There's also one pen where a mum lives with her three new borns who barely walk yet. Its important to keep those away from the other dogs as they've been known to be too rough and can even kill them. Yes, these dogs are one step from wild, as a guy on the ferry put it. Imagine the work it takes to maintain these guys! And then there's just the love and the exercise they need. these dogs are used to doing thousand mile races in the winter time!!

To tell the truth, I am a bit overwhelmed by the magnitude by the task at hand. On my second day of a full day of chores on my own, I collapsed into bed, completely exhausted. I'm told chores get easier, but are known for kicking people's ass right in the beginning. Imagine scooping three five gallon buckets of poop a day. That's probably 15o lbs. of shit. I got some poop colored carharts for the job yesterday at fred meyer of fairbanks. One poopie thing about fairbanks is that all there is are huge chain stores like fred meyers and safeway, and there's not a single co-op or natural foods store. :( You have to prepare to go in a place like that my taking a deep breath (or a drag off a cigarette) and go in with a smile on your face. Its gotta be the size of a couple city blocks and you know how it works the loudspeakers are always blasting you about the great price on this or that thing you must have....

Life is a little different out here than what I'm used to being such a city girl. There's so much to learn, but a lot of what I have to do is just work. the boss asks me to be a little more handy than what I'm used to. Today, trying to work the damn power screw driver drove me to shout fuck repeatedly. I guess I need some schooling in that realm. I'm not painting too pretty of a picture out here, but honestly, I'm real happy to be here. I can't imagine there'd be a better place for me right now. I'm pretty much left to my own devices and can do what I please as long as I get "chores" done. Yesterday I watered (this involves hauling 50 lb buckets of water up and down the dog hill) the dogs in the morning and then blasted down to down into town to get some laundry done and run errands. I gotta say, it was a relief to go to town after just being up here for three full days of work. I spent the day with the dog handler that's training me at the place she's housesitting and we lounged about, I called a couple of people and sat in the hot tub there. After four days in the dog town, I couldn't believe how weird it was to go in a place with indoor plumbing and a television!

The dogs are really neat. I look forward to getting to take them out on runs myself, but for now, I gotta have supervision cause I'm not so good at averting potential disasters yet. Sometimes the dogs get into porcupines, and most of the time, they fight which according to the boss, is just them working out their hierarchies and the structure of ranks + who know what other problems await.I like watching the pups make progress. One of the little ones started to climb out of their cozy house and their mum's protection to see what the big deal is all about yesterday. There's the adventurous one and the other two seem to cry and whine when mommy leaves or when i try to bring them out of their little house. Its my job to socialize them a bit and get them used to being handled.

Something crazy happens everyday. Yesterday, when I came home, the mum of the tiny pups had escaped, and I thought I'd left her gate open inadvertently. It freaked me out bad, knowing that the others sometimes kill and eat the little ones! Fortunately, she'd just dug a hole out of the pen and the pups were safe and sound in their little house. On my first day doing the work on my own, I was sitting up on the porch reading a book when the dogs started to make a ruckus. I saw something going on down in the yard and when i got my wits about me, I went to check it out. Two of the pups had "tied." that means they were doin it. This is not good. Here at the kennel, the owners really try to do only intentional breedings and I didn't know what the fate of the pups would be. The boss came home and I told him the regretable news and he was pissed. Not at me, but they just can't have any more dogs. And unfortunately, these two had been fairly closely related and so it seems that inbred pups can't be kept because they might have some defects. This sucks! I'm supposed to watch all the dogs carefully and if they show any signs of being in heat, I'm supposed to seperate the dogs immediately. I didn't catch it in time.

So, as usual, my expectations were totally off, and this is defintely more than I bargained for. but, the dogs, the dogs the dogs. They're little charmers and I don't know how I'll leave here without one of my own. I hope I'll get to see them in action. I'll be helping the boss out with his tourist operation at a place called alaska land (groan). There, the dogs will pull a wooden sled and cart the tourists around the park. That'll only be a taste, I realize, not even coming close to seeing the dogs realize their full potential in ice and snow and through incredible trials like the iditarod and the yukon quest. They don't know too many commands or tricks. Most don't know fetch, or even how to sit. What they do know is how to run and pull and work hard. The promise of seeing these dogs at work makes me think, maybe I could stay into the winter...

The bosses are like the dogs, they're such hard workers. They maintain 83 dogs plus a house and kennel that's completely off the grid (they use solar and gas generated power and haul in all their own water). Plus, the woman works full time at the local hotsprings where she oversees the first geo-thermal energy plant of its kind. Now, the bossman is starting this tourist operation at alaska land which happens every day from 11-9 at night and after that he gives slide presentations at a local hotel. On top of that they're building a new house and we all have to relocate to it within the next two weeks. Holy shit! I am in awe of their work ethic and drive and pretty intimidated by the work load. I like folks with a strong work ethic. There's this great quote I had hanging on my wall at home in SF, "every morning I awake torn between the desire to save the world and the desire to savor it." That about sums up my style. I really like to play and I spend a lot of time with friends and enjoying life. Sometimes the ol' work ethic suffers. But here, it looks like I'll have to step it up and work my little tooshie off. I think this is good for Chelsea Blake even though my whole body kills and I don't look forward to the afternoon's tasks; I gotta clean out the straaw from each dogs house which involves getting real low down and dirty and digging and scraping out half moldy and amonia smelling straw and shoveling it all into a sled which is then hauled down to "shit mountain" at the end of the yard to be dumped. Fun. I spoke with a friend yesterday who wants to come up and visit. She wanted to know if there was any work up here for her to do while she's staying to earn her keep and keep occupied (its not about the money for her). I think to myself, oh yes, dear, we could find something for you to do.... Anyone else interested?

the trek to sled dog central

I arrived at sled dog central yesterday in the afternoon after three days of taking my time to get up here. they were really peaceful days- I just wandered at my own pace, checking out the scenery- stopping just about every twenty miles or so to take a walk, a picture, or a crap.
Along the way, I took a walk with a fellow traveller up to where the dall sheep wander in the mountains around frozen kluane lake in the yukon, nearly crashed into a mama moose on the road in the rain, and stuck my feet in the rivers still mostly frozen and full from the run-off from the great snow. I was warned by many a gas station attendant and visitor center guide that the grizzlies are hungry because they're just waking up from a long winter hibernation; it had been an especially long freeze this year. Despite my fears, I haven't seen any brown bears (aka grizzlies), but I had my bear mace just in case and I sung at the top of my lunges anything that came to mind. I did see a black bear out on the ice of a frozen lake on the BC/ Yukon border. It's good to see them when they're far away; I'm not hoping to see any up close. I've had to come head on into fear thinking about these bears and other wild things. The thing is, if you see 'em up close, there's nothing to do. You're totally prone and vulnerable if they come near. At night in my tent, I would lie awake thinking about the ravenous creatures just waiting for a tasty morsel to come there way. I've always been afraid of the dark anyway, but when you're out here all alone, those fears seem to pile up and multiply and turn completely irrational. Even going near an outhouse in the dark, my mind turns to crazy stories i heard when I was young about killers waiting in outhouse wells or big bugs or just monsters that might be lying in wait. My fascination with programs like unsolved mysteries and ghost stories as a young person left me with a strong sense that the unknown holds many horrific possibilites and when I'm alone, sometimes these things take over my mind and its difficult to be sensible. One night, camping by a pristine frozen lake, as I was lying down in my bag, I could see the mosquitoes all trying to make their way through the mesh of the tent to eat me alive. this was enough to force me deep down into the bag and straight to sleep in order to escape. Its funny how true your mind can make the saying, 'what you can't see, can't hurt you.'

yesterday afternoon, when I arrived in Fairbanks, i grumbled to myself- "welcome to small town america" and wasn't looking too forward to having to stay too much time there. I was doubting myself and wondering if this was the place for me. I called my boss at the sled dog kennel to tell him I'd arrived and he asked me to fetch some milk and golden grahams at the store. I headed over to the good old fred meyers of fairbanks to get those things and some supplies for myself. I've been told that's really the only place you can find the 'natural foods' that I depend on due to my mountain of food allergies. Fred meyers was really not the place I wanted to be either and so my trepidation grew. Not to mention that I'd passed this huge military base on my way up here. I wondered what kind of weird right-wing military people I'd meet in this part of the world, too. on the boat I'd met all kind of military people and even a guy who lived up here who called himself a consultant in Iran, but wouldn't disclose any more information about his work. Worrisome. this is a tangent, but it seems relevant: I talked to one kid on the boat who was in some kind of military training who basically said that the people of New Orleans should rot because they were all criminals and looters. I didn't know what to say- how do you explain the systems of oppression and white supremacy and the whole criminal system to someone as ignorant as that in the first place? But I made it up north out of fairbanks, wondering what would await me, hoping for the best, fearing the worst.....

First blog ever from the great north!

tremendous journey so far, so much adventure. I left Bellingham last tuesday on the ferry headed for Haines. We stopped in Ketchikan first where I left my first alaskan adventurer friend, Henry. He was headed there for the third time (that was as far as his money would take him on the ferry) to make some dough and then maybe catch a boat up further north. Henry was on the way up north for some kind of a walkabout and to look for gold. I didn't think people were still staking claims like that and hoping to strike it rich until I got to Alaska. He was only the first person I met with that as his mission! It really feels like I've gone back in time here in Alaska. And everything moves slower too. When I jumped off the ferry at Juneau, I headed into a little inlet to pass the time. I was looking around at different creatures, bones and stones lying around for a while, I felt like. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't want the boat to leave without me, but when I asked a passerby what time it was, only 15 minutes had passed. It seemed I'd been there for hours. I'm certainly not used to feeling this kind of space and time around me. Everything was so crazy getting ready for the trip and all.

It was a full moon out the last night on the ferry making the about 6 hour trip from Juneau to Haines. The sunset was fine- a sky light up with pink and purples, surrounded by water even a humpback whale! and the mountains to the east and west covered in snow, absolutely doused in the stuff. Despite the fuckin cold, when the moon came up over the horizon, first just an orange light and then huge above us, I felt awake and alive and ready for the next stage of adventure. A few new travellers jumped on in Juneau, some kids who shared beers with me. I played monster and prey with a four-year-old who really liked to pretend she was chewing on my flesh. It kinda freaked me out actually. When I finally tired of that, she went to watch scooby doo on her portable dvd player. the kids who'd jumped on in Juneau had come from North dakota. The one was really friendly and he made me laugh a lot, reminding me of some old friends from boulder. we stepped into the ferry's bar, my first time doing that and had a short drink as the barkeep was closing things down. An hour something later we'd docked in Haines and I gathered my bed up from the lawn chair I'd been sleeping on out there on the deck of the ferry for the last couple of nights and stuffed it in my backpack. From there I went on down to the cardeck and readied myself to get off. I was real tired by then.

once off the boat, I waited a while as a couple of guys i'd been talking to had wanted to follow me to the hostal I planned to stay at that night. They must have left because I waited a while and they didn't show.

On the way to the hostal, following the windy road by the bay, I saw an old dog by the side of the road. my headlights caught his eyes and i recognized him as that of one of the ferry passengers' dogs. I thought to myself that the man must have just dropped the dog off on the side of the road, I couldn't believe it, but I didn't stop. I didn't know what I would have done with the dog. I couldn't have taken him.

I made it to the hostal and found my cabin and went straight to bed. a really cold night, I couldn't get warm even under all those blankets. The next day I woke up and needed some eggs and potatoes so I went into town. I needed to think over a good breakfast about what my next step was gonna be. Ididn't know if I'd stay in Haines or take to the road right away for Fairbanks. At the restaurant, I met a fella who told me about an accident that happened the night before- someone getting off the ferry had taken a curve too fast and rolled his chevy truck a few times and died. I thought of that dog I'd seen out there on the side of the road and i knew who it was. I'd been talking to the guy just before I got off the boat. A quiet older man with a white beard and an old dog. I couldn't quite believe it. I speculated about how he'd gotten run off the road. maybe he fell asleep at the wheel, a friend I made at the diner that morning said maybe he'd had a heart attack- that happened to someone else along that road not too long ago he said. But the fact is, I don't know how he went and killed himself that night.

Later that day, I spoke to the checker at the grocery store. He said that up here in Alaska, death is just a lot closer all the time. When everything is wilderness, you don't have the safety net of civilization all around you. if its not the grizzlies its those pot holes and sharp turns of the road.

There are so many bald eagles around here. I'll go watch them this afternoon by chilkoot lake and see if I can see that grizzly bear the locals talk about.